Oblivious Blues

"Hey, what are you thinking?", asked one of my friends. I managed to say that I was thinking how to complete my project. Lied. Again. The truth is I am in some unknown world, thinking something anonymous which is highly effecting me. May be causing extreme sorrow, hidden and unseen.
I don't know what it is. The only thing I am aware of is, some unknown emotion is draining me from inside. Making me hopeless and helpless. I know this isn't normal. But again, I lied. This time to myself. That everything was normal.
Loneliness was accompanying me every day. Blankness was the only thing I had in mind. No one cared. May be I shouldn't too. But again, something from inside is torn. Some part and still it's continuing to tear me up. But again, who cared? Probably no one. And I shouldn't too.
I sat down on my desk. Thought of penning down what I feel. But again I was blank. Everything was blank. An inescapable maze of blankness. I see my nightmares as scary illusions, may be I should call them hallucinations. I am lost in space, all alone. I was wondering why I was lost. And then comes a helical loophole. It pushes me towards it like a black hole. Taking me to infinity. Infinity of blankness.
Again, someone jerked me all of a sudden, "Hey where are you lost?" Lying became my mask. This quagmire of emptiness and emotions I feel is something unexplainable. Again I lied, saying nothing. Again I didn't care.

My body isn't normal too. I was getting tired way too easily. Losing hair, puffed eyes, putting up on weight. I am all a different person now. I don't know why but it hits me as a bolt of lightning all of a sudden, making me extremely happy one day and throwing me down in to an ocean of sadness on another.
Hopelessness and helplessness were my companions on daily basis. Behind my every  feigning smile, there was a draining emotion, unseen and unheard. I wished if someone could hear me unsaid. But again I didn't care. I don't know what I should call this.
All I know is, somewhere this soul wants to cry. And wants itself to be heard and seen. But again these carnal thoughts fighting upon all those emotions is devastating. People call this something else. They call it a mental illness creeping out of no where. I call it an illness of soul, which takes true empathy, love and care to heal. And deep down, my soul wishes to be healed, with same love and care. Without being judged and mocked. 

Resurrecting..

Its been days since I updated my blog. Meanwhile, there were a lot new experiences in my life. New people, new life, new outlook, new beliefs, new ambitions and finally new me.
Comparing myself of today, to myself of yesterday gives me strength to make myself even more better and strong.
We do have life events which change our life, incredibly. Good or bad, we do change.
And with these changes, I realized I should not compare myself to any other person, and most importantly not to judge myself for being what I am. Accepting your mistakes comes with great mental strength and emotional balance.
From now on, I will try not to shun myself from my thoughts, will stand on my morals and beliefs and make myself a better person to me.

First Showers of Hope..

May month was one big deal for us. Its the hottest month that we can have. After such a season we obviously expect to have a break from all hotness related to the season. Hot sun, dryness, sweating and many unknown problems with in every person. Wait for monsoon season is simply having a change.. Having a break and change from every difficulty of life.
I was sitting outside my home. At my door steps. Deeply thinking about every smile and every tear in my life. Reason behind my every happiness and sorrow. Reason behind my silence and helplessness. Reason behind everything I face. The sun was shining extremely bright. Extremely bright to rid off all the darkness. But may be that is not enough.
Suddenly the shine in him is decreasing. It was 4 evening. I am able to see the clouds forming. Clouds forming with a great ease and becoming thicker and thicker. It is generally normal to see those.. A bit of hope was aroused among people around me. But as the clouds opened it was vanished.. A vanishing cloud formation and a vanishing hope.
Again I saw the cloud formation. It was a mere guess that this would be a vanishing cloud too. Everyone was engrossed in their works. Feeling dry and sweating doing those. But the clouds didn't made our guess a right one. The thickness was increasing. Increasing with the enough water evaporated from every lake, river, pond, sea, ocean. May be some water from us too. After all, our sweat also evaporates. And the cool breeze made another step to prove our guess a wrong one. As we turned to the other side, the cool breeze made us feel heavenly. Every organ in me felt that. Felt a change in time. I closed my eyes and my hair beautifully blown for it but was gently blown. Wow what an experience!! An automatic smile was seen in everyone here. Even me. I was smiling too.  The first thunder and the lightening in the sky poured down its first drop on me.Then as I came out from my home, I felt the first drop of rain. The first drop of rain. It took me to an unknown ecstasy. Completely unknown one. It was roughly a medium sized rain drop. It first fell on my cheeks. That was literally an amazing experience.

Many such drops. Of different sizes. If one is of a small size then one is of a large. On different different places. One on my hand, then one on my forehead. One on my eyes then one on my fingers. I felt every drop falling on me. Deeply cleaning up every fear, every wrong and pessimistic thought inside me, in fact everything. Every drop shows its crystal clearness in it. The clearness and purity of every drop was felt by me.
Its not only me, every one felt this. May be everyone felt this. I can see kids coming out of their home and playing in these showers. Playing in the small ponds. Playing with paper boats. Wow such a great nostalgia!! Elders having a smile on their faces seeing their kids play. And the petrichor rejuvenating the olfactory senses. Missed that from one year.
These first showers brought the foodie child in everyone. Some kids crying for pakodas, some for ice cream.. If some elders wanted hot tea, some wanted cold coffee. But whatever it was, the rain brought up a change in mood for everyone.
I can not only see the happiness in people but in every creature around me I saw the reborn vitality. Rejuvenating the vigor in every corner. I saw small frogs jumping around me. Earthworms sowing the soil. Puppies and kittens enjoying themselves in the rain and their mothers watching them.. Every tree around us regained its beauty. Every leaf had these waters through its veins. The rain drops on the leaves looked like refreshing morning dew on them.  May be even those were waiting for these showers. After all they have life too.
And as its showering, I can see the sun shining a bit on the other side to bring another masterpiece of natural beauty. Every drop falling from the clouds were reflecting and forming a rainbow on our side.. Aesthetic beauty that was. Kids and elders were excited to see the first rainbow of the year. Rainbow bringing the beauty to the evening and showing every great color of nature.
The clouds slowly lost its water content and the rain slowly turned to a climax drizzle. Then slowly it ended up by showering its last drops to us. The sun had set by the time and I saw moon rising up from the other horizon. Everyone back to their work. And every creature to its home.
There after it was a season for monsoons. And it went very well. But whatever it is, the first rain experience bringing the change in time is a different experience. Nothing can replace that..

Blues..

I sat on the beach side..
Thinking how would waves correspond time..
Wondering how these blues make a lot of differences in them...
I looked at the sand and its brilliance.. Showing its yellowish brown tinge and its freshness...
If I am not wrong, I see the sun set just like a turtle hiding inside a shell but though it's a typical hot red turtle..
I could see the illusion of sea and water meeting with each other and creating a platform for the sun to hide himself..
The waves slowly turned out to be tides... The clear waters touching my feet with a tidal force.. My feet sank in the sand along with the water.. Deep sea waters clearly showing up their bluish green color on the surface... and then greenish blue color underwaters..
The moon is in its crescent phrase and the sky showed up it's evening auroral colors.. Blue orange and red strips just like an emblem of independence, with the crescent at one corner rising and to  the other corner the Sun going underwaters with the support of the sky.. Birds flying far off from the sea migrating to their homes across those strips of independence just like the dots representing integrity...
The crescent is like a small bowl held in the sky for collecting all the stars.. The stars twinkling and fading away periodically.. But always the pole star shining just like a bed lamp..
All these blues suddenly turned out to black in front of my eyes within minutes.. Then I understood.. That's life and that's blues.. 

I saw only you..

I saw you with me just now,
But couldn't find you here...
I saw you in my thoughts,
And felt you are with me...
I saw you with me as 'we' in my every thought and dream...
I saw the illusion of yours at the very first thought of yours, smiling at me...
I saw that I need you badly for you are my necessity...
I saw that every tear of mine which were filling my eyes, only with you...
I saw that every pretty smile I put on, only with you..
I saw the world as nothing, without you..
I saw that you are my everything, every inch of me...
I saw that I am incomplete without you..
I saw that I can live without you but I don't want to...
I saw you wiping my tears at my the hardest times...
I saw you smiling at me when I am happy with you..
I saw your every form of immense love for me..
I saw your every form of care behind your anger..
I saw every day, every hour, every minute and every second spending with you with ecstasy...
I saw the immense joy with the first embrace you gave me...
I saw the secured feeling within me in your arms..
I saw the intense euphoria within me when you kissed me..
I saw the intimacy between us in our every warm silence..
I saw the intensity of our love in every gaze of ours..
I saw the pain of losing you in my thoughts..
I saw that I can't even imagine myself in the thoughts filled with pain of losing you..
I saw you always are my guide and critic, adviser and guardian..
I saw that I miss you whenever I feel your absence..
I saw that I love you deeply from the core of my heart..
And what I finally saw is I am nothing but you.. Its only you... From the deepest core of my heart its only you.. Its only you...

Smile of Realization..

She sat there crying and crying..
Her eyes wet with tears.. As every tear was about to fall her sorrow became intense..
There was no one she can share her grief.. No one to hug her and say everything would be al right..
She understood that everything has ended..
She stood before the mirror..She saw her eyes fully wet with tears.. Her cheeks cleaned with tears..
Her nose red and her blonde hair like a feather flying in the air.. She wasn't able to accept the truth that she is alone.. She is completely drained off..
She is a typical girl.. Very outspoken, very sweet, very industrious, very mature, and very beautiful both from inside and outside too.. She has her own dreams, her own way of making life decisions,her own way of handling things and people.. But being a girl she couldn't express anytime.. Not even before and not even now..
Domination was more whenever she tried to express her own feelings.. Her interests, her freedom, and her enjoyment were all taken away from her as she was a GIRL..She cried unseen and unheard many nights.. "What is my life? Why am I like this? And why the hell am I alone?"
Smiling in happiness is something unknown to her.. unknown than a stranger..Her hope and courage were alive though she couldn't smile any time from her heart.. She always wished to be her true original her, but now that became a dream again.. People whom she wanted with her were always far away from her.. That distance if sometimes were miles, then sometimes it were worlds.. She never told this to anyone.. Only thing she did was being happy and normal though she wasn't..She always wished for the happiness of people around her, especially her loved ones.. She was never bothered by many people.. Many would hate her but started loving her later by viewing her originality..
She was never given a place that she truly deserves.. Every moment she was just treated like a girl rather than a human.. She was forced to do many things which she never liked to.. The absence of free dom in her life and many mentally disturbing incidents made her life miserable  and in a short period of time she lost balance her in life.. Mentally and physically.. And by the time she regained back her balance she lost what she wanted to gain..
Many less incidents made her smile from her heart.. And over that she expected something but something else was in store for her.. She was in a literal prison and all her emotions were chained inside..
She was remembering all these standing before the mirror but tried to gain the little hope left with her.. that hope which was always with her.. And made her smile seeing herself again.. A smile of hope that someday and at sometime everything will change.. But actually that is a smile of realization that things which already happened would never change but we should move on.. And realizing that it turned as a Smile of realization..

Silence..

I walk through the lane..
Could see nothing but the roads connecting...
I see birds relaxing in their nests and animals leaving to their home..
I see people getting back to their home for resting..
I can hear the tides receding back, off shore and could actually make out the rivers joining the body of water through my ears...
I can feel the wind which is blown up gently on to me..
I can see the sky filled with the darkest of the clouds and could actually hear them moving..
I can see the brightest of the stars in the same sky, periodically fading away..
I can see the trees moving bland and the rustle of leaves..
But still what I could actually feel was the Silence...
The Silence is what I could see,hear and feel....